So…when are you going to start having kids?”
It’s a question you’d better get used to as most couples find that well-meaning friends, co-workers and distant relatives start asking it almost immediately after hearing the words, “I do.” But before you get to the “when” of having kids, you need to tackle the “if.” And before you can do that effectively you and your mate need to answer one fundamental question, “Do I see children as a blessing or a burden?”
The Big Decision
It’s a simple question, but couples don’t always have a simple answer. If your concept of kids centers around the sweet stuff like baby showers, decorating a nursery, or cuddling a sleeping baby you may see kids as a mega-blessing. All that stuff is pretty fun. But what about the not so fun parts of parenting? The truth is that having kids is messy and exhausting and stressful. Does that reality mean that children are ultimately a burden to the couples who bear them?
If you ask each other the blessing or burden question you may find yourselves on a hamster wheel, unable to reach a definite conclusion. In fact, I bet your discussion will result in statements like these:
- Children are a blessing when the timing is right.
- Children are a burden when they hinder my educational and vocational goals.
- Children are a blessing when we are financially stable.
- Children are a burden when they drain already tight finances.
- Children are a blessing when we have had time to ourselves as a married couple.
- Children are a burden when they detract from time alone with my spouse.
A God-Given Blessing
Up. Down. Round and round. Children are a blessing but they are also a burden. Children are a burden, but at times they are a blessing. It’s an approach to parenting that I hear many couples have. Here’s the problem: it doesn’t match up with God’s Word.
Psalm 127:3 says,
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”
How does God see children? As a heritage, a reward, ammunition for a battle much like arrows in the hands of a warrior, a blessing, and a source of respect, even among our enemies. There’s not even a hint of burden language in this passage. God doesn’t gripe about the challenges of parenting or fixate on the ways that children stretch and try us. Instead His clear stance is that children are a blessing. Period.
This passage is the clearest example of this position, but throughout the Bible God’s clear stance is that children are ultimately a blessing, not a burden, and that having children is a good thing.
Raising Children is a Blessing
How should this view inform your decisions about family planning? If children are a God-given blessing, then where should they fit on your list of priorities? Above career? Above owning a home? Afterall, these are good things but God’s Word never specifically calls them out as a blessing. If children a God-given blessing how should you respond to the responsibilities of parenting when children do arrive? With regret or anxiety or with joy?
The Bible makes it sound so black and white. I realize that doesn’t mean that you see it that way or that your significant other does either. That’s why I want you to talk about it. You need to decide sooner, rather than later if you see children as a blessing or as something closer to a burden.
So, before you start answering questions about when you will have children, either with each other, in front of nosey relatives, let me challenge you to start praying a very specific prayer. Simply, “Lord, help me to see children as a blessing.” You may already be part way there. Maybe you or your spouse is itching to start a family. There’s still room for God to show you why he thinks kids are so great. But, my guess is that in our post-feminist culture many of you are closer to the burden side of the spectrum. That’s why it’s important to stop filtering this question through the grid of culture and to start seeking God’s will for your family, even before you are married. Asking God to show you his heart for families will equip you to make choices about your family better than any other source.
So…When Are You Going to Start Having Kids?
Next time friends and family members try to nose their way in to your baby business, give them an answer they can’t argue with. Simply state that you and your mate are praying for God to show you His heart in the matter and ask them to join you in that prayer. Then listen closely as God shows you how the words found in Psalm 127 best apply to your situation.
