A Letter to My Single Self


Dear Self:

You’re 21. You just graduated from college but, to your dismay, after four years of rigorous studies, you never got your MRS degree. All your roommates had serious boyfriends who became husbands, but you’re still wondering when it’s your turn.

You’ve dated some really good guys but nothing serious ever came about. You’re remembering the advice from your dad who said you didn’t need a serious boyfriend in college. But… college is over. You’re on your way to Nashville for a publishing internship and you’re praying God will bring you someone special.

Well at this season in your life, if I could have a heart-to-heart conversation with you over coffee (or rather tea—your Starbucks addiction won’t come until you have a newborn), there are just a few things I’d say to you while you’re still single.

1. Rather than obsessing over finding the right one, focus on being the right person. Growing in your faith as a godly woman is far more valuable than wondering when God is going to give you a husband. There are areas in your life you need to keep working on so when the roads in marriage get rocky, you’ll be better prepared.

2. Savor every moment God gives you as a single woman. Your single years are a gift, not to be wasted or worried over. Don’t look too far ahead into the future or you’ll miss the joys and blessings of today. Continue to travel the world. Serve others well. Invest in those younger than you who need someone to look up to.

3. Live a life of sexual purity. All your life you’ve known through God’s word, your parents, pastors, youth leaders, and friends to save sexual intimacy for marriage. Let me just tell you that they are right. It’s one of the greatest gifts you’ll give to your husband so don’t do anything stupid. Run from temptation when it comes. Don’t compromise. Wait for it.

4. Keep writing those letters to your future husband. You’ve been slack on those lately, but remember your writing isn’t in vain. God knows the desires of your heart and that it helps you in the waiting. One day you’re going to do something special with all those legal notepads so be careful not to misplace them again.

5. Practice the art of cooking and collecting good recipes. Your husband will be a foodie and one of the ways you’ll really win his heart is through his stomach. Imagine that. Improving your cooking skills might save you from burning the broccoli and catching your cookbooks on fire. Turn those burners off after you’re done cooking! Trust me on this one.

6. Listen to godly wisdom from your parents, friends, and mentors. I can’t tell you how critical it is that you learn to walk in humility. Your mom has always prayed that you would walk in holiness, obedience, and purity as a young adult. Stamp that wisdom on your heart and trust that she is right especially in your dating relationships.

7. No man will ever complete you. Your husband is going to be the man of your dreams and so much more. I promise you that. But he’ll let you down at times just like you’ll disappoint him. He will never fill the emptiness in your heart that you feel at times. Only God can make you whole and completely satisfied. Practice loving God and knowing him more because the most important relationship in your marriage is your relationship with God.

8. Life is hard, but God is good. Just as hard times exist in singlehood, they do even more so in marriage and you’ll go through many trials and testing. Discipline yourself to persevere through them and allow difficulties to shape your character and draw you closer to God. Don’t ever give up no matter how much life squeezes you.

9. Never take your alarm clock for granted. After you get married and have kids, your children will wake you up at the crack of dawn, sometimes at 5 am. You might as well throw the alarm clock out the window. At times you and your husband will find yourselves only dreaming about your single days so please enjoy them while you can.

The amazing thing is that the day you meet your husband will catch you by surprise. It won’t be in Nashville, but it will be a few months later in Virginia. Your heart will know he is the one when you meet him. But be patient.

Let him pursue you. Respect and love him well. He is absolutely one-of-a-kind as many attest to. Thank the Lord for him every day and be amazed that he enjoys spending his days with you. Hold your relationship with palms open and get prepared for the greatest journey of your life.

Yours truly,

Samantha

What would you say in a letter to your single self?

This article was inspired by author Emily Freeman’s linkup: A Letter to Your Teenage Self



About

Samantha Krieger is a pastor’s wife, mom, writer and editor in rural Colorado. Through story, personal experience, and biblical insight she is passionate about helping others live out their faith in everyday life and relationships. She has been writing for leading Christian books and magazines for over 12 years and holds a BA in English and Master’s in Religion. Samantha and her husband, Jeremiah, have been married for a decade and have four young children. Samantha writes candidly about marriage, motherhood, and faith at samanthakrieger.com


  • Breida

    Pathetic. Sad. Misogynistic.
    Stay home and learn to cook for your husband?? What is this, 1949?

    Keep writing letters to your future husband? Really, because I’m sure he can’t wait to sit down and read all the crappy false expectations you have for your dream man.

    And save yourself for marriage? That might be a nice gift for you to give your husband, but don’t expect him to do the same for you. Guys have sex. It’s hardwired into their biology. If your man tells you he’s a virgin and you believe him, he is lying and you are naive.

    Don’t take your alarm clock for granted because sometimes it will wake you up at 5 am? Are you joking? No one who has ever had children has gotten to sleep through the night, let alone sleep til 5 am!! Trust me!

    If this is your dream life, good for you, I guess, but you shouldn’t be spreading such unrealistic, Barbie-doll fantasies. Get a grip woman!

    • Vanny

      Poor, Breida. You sound bitter. I’m sorry you for whatever has caused you to be so cynical. And just so you know, I have two kids with my youngest being 3 months old, and I have actually had nights where I’ve been able to sleep through the night. My oldest doesn’t even get up until 8 or 9 each morning. And believe it or not, my husband WAS a virgin when we married, and so was I.

      I’m assuming you don’t surround yourself with people who genuinely want to seek the Lord and live a life that is pleasing to Him. Perhaps if you did, you would not look on Samantha’s letter to her single self with such disdain. And I would advise YOU not to get a grip, but to get some Truth.

  • Breida, this is all from true, personal experience and it’s a letter to myself. It’s not a dream life but reality. Thanks.

  • My husband was a virgin and so was I when we married. We’re both so glad we waited! It has built trust between us. Sadly, our society often paint men and women as animals who have no control over ourselves. Although it can be hard, it is a choice we make. Everyone has that choice.

    • I think it is encouraging to hear this and for singles to know it is possible. Thanks Danielle.

  • Lindsay

    This was sweet, Samantha. Thanks for sharing!

  • Val

    Hey Samantha,

    Thank you for this! I will minster to singles at a luncheon on Nov. 10 and will share your tips to them! I turned 46 on Oct. 1 and am still single. I am so thankful that I have learned how to be content. Keep sharing!

    Val from Alabama

  • Betsy

    I think it’s a wonderful letter, and I wish I had followed this advice when I was a single gal!

  • Katelyn

    You’re lack of retaliation in response to that previous rude, mean-spirited comment was very refreshing! Anyways, I wanted to say that as a single ,25 year old young woman who isn’t seeing anyone, I can totally relate to this & it was very encouraging to me right now! Exactly what I needed to hear. So don’t let negative comments affect you, because God knew I needed to read this today! Thank you for sharing. I will take these to heart for sure.

  • karen

    Samantha,

    Wow!!! Thank you so much for remembering being single and at the same time being thankful for being married. Yes, as I look back, I took singleness for granted and now being married there are times I take it for granted as well. Such great wisdom in this article. I will send it to Amanda. It seems we are always wishing for something else: the life before we were married, the life before we had kids, the life we look forward to….Somehow, I believe God desires for us to be thankful for the life we have NOW……oh, I’m sure there is much advice about that, but somehow we don’t quite understand until we have lived it ourselves. Thank you for using your gift of writing to reach others about life…..and life that isn’t really life without the one who gave it to us….

    Love you!

  • this is really insightful samantha,pls keep blessing this generation.

  • Jo

    Breida, nothing is more praiseworthy than for young men and women to save themselves for marriage.

    It is very wonderful advice that Samantha is imparting, because this is the will of our great counsellor, Almighty God.

    God speaks against sex before marriage in the Holy Bible because it is an impure, unclean act. Samantha is doing a wonderful thing in promoting purity. America needs more courageous woman like her to voice their support for higher standards of sexual behaviour. Let’s put our trust in Lord Jesus Christ the Prince of Purity and Peace for in him we are blessed and empowered to live self-controlled praiseworthy lives.

  • Aurelie

    Thank you Samantha, this is very relevant.

    However, i have a question : concretely, how can i prepare myself to be the right person?

    • Aurelie- that is a great question. I would say first start with the Bible. Allow God’s word to teach you and grow you. Ultimately, it is Christ who changes us for the better and shows us the areas in our life that need change. Next I would say to make sure you’re surrounded by godly friends and leaders who will encourage you and love you and who will influence you in the right direction. Serving others in the daily grind is another way to prepare for marriage as it gets our eyes off ourselves and onto others which will prepare you for marriage. Prayer is huge. Praying for your future husband and praying that God will grow you into the godly woman he desires for you to be (this takes time as we are all in process). Reading Christian books on the topic of dating and marriage was extremely helpful for me as well. Here are a few books I’d recommend that were (still are) a huge help to me:

      Song of Solomon by Tommy Nelson

      The Book of Romance by Tommy Nelson

      The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller

      Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

      The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

      I also made a “Top 10” list of what qualities were most important to me in a husband (integrity, loves God, responsible, etc). I didn’t compromise on my list and I prayed that God would give me discernment in my dating relationships. The list help me also make sure that I was being that kind of person myself.

      I hope that helps. Anyone else feel free to chime in!

  • LeeAnn

    Thx for this Samantha. Great reminder……I just turned 30….single and in a great relationship …..but when I was younger my plan was to meet my hubby in college and get married after graduation …Not! Ive learner to enjoy my freedom to travel around the world, meet and serve with new ppl, and eat out whenever I want to with the new shoes I bought too lol. I know some of that will change for sure when I marry. I am looking forward to it and honestly a little nervous at the same time. Trusting God will prepare me and my future hubby for it though. Thx for your openness with your letter.

    PS….I am also proudly a virgin and so glad I didn’t have sex with anyone I thought was the one in my past. You’re right…this is a gift I wouldn’t want to give to anyone but my husband ….ladies and gents in the waiting stay strong and enjoy the journey!!!

    • love hearing this LeeAnn. So encouraging to hear. Thank you for sharing.

  • One thing I would counsel any young single woman, being a mother of one myself, is during your single years, if a all possible, learn to be frugal in your lifestyle. Some young couples who come together later in life, say at 27-29, marry being dependent upon two incomes. For a woman who has children and may need to take time away from work (or give it up altogether for a season) the shock of being on one income can be difficult. Frugality and simplicity and not giving into the temptations to spend will help you when you get married. So many disagreements erupt over finances. Be prepared.

    And, Samantha, regarding that harsh first comment? Good on you for being so gracious!

  • So so wise Kim. Thank you.

  • Melissa Brothers

    I enjoyed this so much Samantha! Another great job! It put a smile on my face because even though I have been married now for 12 years, it brought back so many emotions for me. I wish that I could have had this when I was going through that stage of the unknown for my life. I was ready to give up. You were there to see it all play out, you know my story. All these years later, I can look back and see how God used HIS perfect timing to set the stage for what I am doing now and am so amazed at how it all came together. Thank goodness he is the perfect planner and not me because I would have settled for things/people that were not meant for me. I would have been left to wonder what have I missed? Thankfully, trusting in Him, I was able to end up with the right one. Even though it is not a perfect marriage, I know it has been a gift given to me by God. The best gift I can give him back is to continue to put my marriage in HIS hands and allow HIM to continue to mold me into a godly wife and mother for my family. Thank you for this uplifting meassage. I will be sure to pass it along to my girls at church. Love to you! Melissa Brothers

    • I love these words Melissa:

      “Thank goodness he is the perfect planner and not me because I would have settled for things/people that were not meant for me.”

      I feel the exact same way. I had so many ideas and plans but if he would have answered them the way I wanted I think my life would look much different.

  • Kristy

    I don’t know how anyone could disagree. This is true thru and thru. I particularly liked this, “Practice loving God and knowing him more because the most important relationship in your marriage is your relationship with God.”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=2xE-iK1pdp0#!

    http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/09/14/staying-celibate-before-marriage-was-best-thing-ive-ever-done/

    I add these sights to help Breida hopefully realize there are many people (men included) who choose to wait and it is so worth it! There are many out there, it’s just popular media would lead you to feel like it’s impossible and outdated. It’s not! Our voices just get squelched, but we are many.

    Lovely in every way and detail, thank you for sharing!

  • well said Kristy. Thanks for your input and info.

  • I loved the advice, ” Rather than obsessing over finding the right one, focus on being the right person.” I wish I had understood that when I was young.

    Samantha, I see you attended Liberty University. I will soon graduate with an MA in Human Services from Liberty… I have truly enjoyed it.

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