When we first got married, my wife and I made a decision to go to bed together at the same time. We had been told by more than one person that schedules can get hectic and bed time can help us reconnect daily. And we believed it.
For the first few months, we disciplined ourselves, and it wasn’t easy. During that first year, we both were working full time, and I was getting my Master’s degree from a school an hour away from where we lived. It didn’t matter if one of us worked late or if I had homework, we made it a point to go to bed at the same time, every night.
Until that one night, in the middle of the semester.
That’s going to happen, by the way. If you’re getting married, and you’re setting up rules to live by, understand that those rules must conform to how you’re living. When we decided to go to bed together, we didn’t quite grasp the idea that both of us were going to be unable to make that commitment all the time. Making a rule that will only end up in unneeded guilt doesn’t help anyone.
So back to the scene. Sunday had endured a rough day, and I was getting settled into a long night of reading and research.
Then she yawned. She followed that by a stretch, and an even louder yawn. I tried to ignore the staring and the blinking and the loud coughing hints that she was going to bed. I didn’t look up when she came back in the living room, brushing her teeth. I didn’t bat an eye when she leaned over to kiss me good night, wearing her flannel pajamas.
I didn’t get up. I didn’t say anything. I was surrounded by work, and it was calling my name.
Then, she asked the question that neither of us wanted to answer: “Are you coming to bed?” I looked around our small living room that was now spotted with open books and academic journals, and I still didn’t say anything.
I didn’t want to say no. I had made a deal. I’m not the type to go back on a promise, and I felt the pressure. I wanted to go to bed at the same time as Sunday, but I didn’t want to flunk out of grad school to do it.
I looked up at her, and she asked another question: “You have some work to do?” She showed her great sense of humor, since she asked the question while standing in the middle of the small library I had brought into our tiny apartment.
Before I tell you what she did next, let me make a point that will be very important.
Here’s the deal: everyone wants to stay in love, right? That’s not a Christian ideal; it’s a human one. We all want to believe that a marriage should stay together through the promise we made to each other and the love that we hold. That’s why I promised to marry my wife. That’s also why I promised to go to bed at the same time. Love and a promise.
But we also know quite a number of people who fall out of love, despite the love and the promise deal. I’ve actually attended weddings where the marriage started with a love and a promise, and now the marriage (and the love and the promise) is long dead.
So how do you stay in love? Do what Sunday did—offer grace.
If you’ve grown up in church, you might have heard that grace is “unmerited favor.” When you give grace, you provide something that the other person has not (or cannot) earn. They don’t deserve it. You just give it. The clearest picture of grace, of course, is Jesus. The Bible says that Jesus died for humanity while we were still in our sins. We were enemies of God, and He offered himself as a sacrifice for that. We didn’t earn it. He just gave it.
So that’s a good way to stay in love. Grace. You’re probably not going to love, long-term, without it. To put it in metaphorical terms, if love is an engine, then grace is the rocket fuel.
In fact, if you know someone who has fallen out of love, then you understand this perfectly—that person has quit giving grace. More than likely the person who has fallen out of love has begun requiring the other person to earn everything. That step, friends, is the first step to loveless-ness.
Back to the scene. As she stood there in the midst of my books, she let me off the hook. She told me that she knew I had hours’ more work to do, and I didn’t have to fulfill my promise. When she said that, I closed my book and went to bed. Fully clothed. And when she had fallen asleep, I got back up and did my schoolwork.
I did that because she gave me the grace to make my choice. I made my choice because I promised. And I love her.
Love this!
That was so good. I plan on using it in my coaching..grace..thank you
I am so glad God gave you to Sunday!!
great article!
Very nice; thanks Dr. Towles.
This is definitely the Matt and Sunday I know and love!!! You are always so amazing in your example for others. Thanks for that!
Bottom line: Sunday’s the best! Thanks for reading, everybody.
So sweet. And I totally get it. Both my husband and I are full-time students (on top of his working full-time) and we have two small children. Our relationship requires a ton of grace.
I see my self in this situation. I think about what my husband would have said if I had said, You don’ t have to keep your promise. He would have said, Well what do you expect me to do? I have all this work blah blah I made that promise a long time ago, you can’t expect me to keep it now blah blah and he would definitely blame ME for wanting him to keep his promise. He blames me for everything.
This is why I have fallen out of love. Maybe I do expect him to earn it. I don’t ask for much, and he makes me feel like I have no business asking for anything.
He doesn’t love me. He loves what I used to do for him, when I was a skinny sexy party girl. I made him look good, and he resents me for getting older and putting on weight. Even when I weighed 120 lbs, he complained.
We are going to counseling, but he only behaves himself when we are going. He can’t stay nice for longer than two weeks after seeing our counselor. He tries to make me look bad in front of our youngest daughter, and then tries to look like the good guy in front of her too. I wish I had never married him.
Hi, Anonymous. It sounds like you are married to a Narcissist. They’re a selfish breed whose numbers are growing in our society. I married one, too, and he’s probably a lot like yours. Don’t bother trying to explain to Christians that your spouse only keeps taking and taking and that you have given until you have nothing left to give — and then some. Most Christians have never experienced a narcissist up close and personal like you do every day, and they will tell you to just keep giving. Instead of beating your head against the wall with Christian websites (which are great for emotionally healthy people married to other emotionally healthy people), google Narcissistic Personality Disorder and find a support group that can help you determine how much to give and when to stop giving for your own sanity’s sake. And pick up a copy of “Boundaries in Marriage” and “Necessary Endings” by Dr. Henry Cloud.
The worst kind of N is a “Christian” one. He’ll keep playing the Christian card to guilt you into doing everything he wants. That’s the kind I married.
And yes, if you’re wondering, I’m a Spirit-filled, born again Christian, too. And I browse the comments on articles like this just to find people like you, to point you in a better direction.
Christians are sincere but most of them have no clue what you’re dealing with.
Sarah,
The idea that you “browse” comments on articles like this to “point [people] in a better direction” is not only disturbing, it’s a bit narcissistic in itself. Anonymous posted something heartfelt and painful, and I applaud her for her bravery. Your comment, on the other hand, provides a shallow diagnosis that may only reflect your experience and not hers.
I welcome posts that are helpful or positive, but comments that spread vitriol under the guise of help are not necessary.
Your article is absolutely true — for couples who are not dealing with personality disorders. Her description makes it clear that he is manipulative and cruel, and the fact that she’s reading your articles suggests she’s a Christian who is trying her best. If pointing her in a helpful direction is what you call “vitriolic,” that’s just fine by me.
I don’t mind people pointing others in a helpful direction. The problem arises in diagnosing someone via a website, and disparaging “most Christians” while you do it.
I really enjoyed this article. It helped frame my prayers today for my own marriage, and for the marriage of friends of mine that is on the verge of collapsing completely. Thank you for writing this article, and God bless you.
Thank you!
Thank you for being such a blessing to my life and for your ministry. What an amazing promise? It is so refreshing to have to a christian young man who inspires others for christ. Thank you for taking a stand for God.
to anonymous
It sounds like you have a lot of pain. I have had many similar conversations with my husband. When I picked up the book “the Power of praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. It changed my life and my marriage. I even skipped the first chapter, because it meant I had to pray for me. I did not want to pray for me! After all I was trying!
Guess what. God changed me. . . and my husband. Because I sat down, stopped talking and fuming to others and started talking and fuming to God – using His word to transform my marriage. It took longer than I wanted. It was harder than I thought. but it was also permanent. Because GOD did it. Not me.
Please do not give up. Give it to God.
Super fantastic article…I just had a quick question not associated with the article. Were your parents Professors at Liberty University as well?
Karen,
My parents still are professors at Liberty! My mother, Carolyn, teaches over a thousand freshman English students every semester, and my father, David, is over the Spanish program.
We…are…family…(as the song goes).
Thanks!
My husband and I have been married for 31 years. We have always went to bed together no matter what. Even when fighting we go to bed together. Never sleep apart unless in the hospital or one of us is out of town. It has kept us bonded in the fact that one thing is always for sure. Bedtime. With Christ as the Head of the Family and my husband the head of the house, it is easy to do. So thank you for the article.
This is good for young and older marriages…loved it. Been married 37 yrs May 19th
I too have a marriage like anonymous. I too was disturbed by the person that skims for people she is trying to help. I can identify with both.
My husband is trying to do his best. I am doing the same, it just seems that are not the same thing that we are trying for. We both are willing to work at this.
A couple of my friends, also Christians, have left their families to pursue their happiness. I don’t see that they are really happier now, without their family and the person they married.
Thank you for being a resource for all of us wanting to build strong healthy marriages.
Barb
My husband and I have learned how essential grace is to our marriage. And I definitely agree that “making a rule that will only end up in unneeded guilt doesn’t help anyone.” For most of our marriage, my husband has worked rotating shift hours or less predictable strange hours that often involve late nights or very early mornings, so going to bed at the same time is actually a pretty rare occurrence for us, but it does sound like a good idea for couples with a more “regular” schedule.
Shevrae,
Sounds like you and your husband know how to work it out, whatever your schedule. That’s the key: there isn’t just one answer. Way to go!