We are hungry for connections with others, and cannot endure being relationally starved. Regardless of how impossible it seems to your relationship, emotional affairs happen to unsuspecting people every day. It may not seem true today, but at some point you or your spouse will be susceptible to an emotional affair. You will be tempted and lured by the rush of feelings of being noticed, appreciated, and attractive. Unfortunately, no amount of proactivity can guarantee this won’t happen to you, but there are some key areas that frequently arise with couples who have suffered through an affair. Paramount to this is the workplace.
Because we spend so much of our adult lives working, the workplace is fertile grounds for inappropriate relationships starting up. If you or your husband is spending additional time at work (warranted or not), you’re likely spending emotional resources at the office that might normally be reserved or desired for home. Working in close proximity to the opposite sex creates shared experiences. Experience is the foundation for relationships.
Work is an unavoidable necessity of life, so here are a few proactive tips you can employ to create some natural and helpful boundaries.
Firstly, speak often about your wife in a positive light. Men and women do not need to converse about the negatives, struggles, or criticism regarding their spouse. This is a sure-fire recipe for an affair. If you’re unable to speak positively about your wife, then it is better to speak nothing at all (at which point I’d also encourage some pastoral or professional help). Your workplace will be aware of your wife’s importance (or lack thereof) and thus natural limitations to inappropriate relationships will occur.
Secondly, invite your husband to after-hours work functions. This can include formal parties and informal gatherings at the local bar or dive. If you’re going to have drinks or dinner with your colleagues after work, ask your husband to join the group. At least once or twice a month, if able, eat lunch with your husband on your own.
Thirdly, set boundaries for travel, meetings, and meals with the opposite sex. As a rule, I never have dinner alone with another woman. I will meet them for coffee or lunch, which are both distanced from the romantic overtures that dinners carry. In all instances, I let my wife know before hand if possible. Until you’ve established a track record of trust with your spouse, be very intentional about letting them know your individual plans with coworkers.
Lastly, keep short accounts with your wife about your work. Involve her with the projects, tasks, and meetings that you have on a regular basis. This doesn’t have to happen ad nausea, but keeping her up to date with the work you do will keep the two of you connected in a valuable area of life, which is your work. (As an aside, most affairs by men—occur and go unnamed—between the man and his job. It is so easy to neglect the difficulties of marriage in favor of work and building things.)
At the basic level, affairs begin at home, where life and relationship collide. Because we spend so much time apart from each other during the day, it’s natural for disconnections to happen. This is why it’s so important to set aside regular time to connect with one another.
Affairs are much like cooking a frog. You don’t put a frog in the pot of boiling water, because it’ll jump out. Instead, you put a frog in cold water and then slowly turn up the heat. Affairs don’t just jump out of us from the clear blue sky. They happen slowly, and begin with innocuous conversations that slowly and gradually heat up into deep and real connections.
Very true. Married couple should Trust and Love one another. Open communication also plays a very important role in marriage.
Thanks for the article. Very helpful to know before marriage even starts. Although if I were to cook a frog I think I’d kill it first. Then there would be no worries about it jumping out at all.
Yeah, the frog analogy was a bit much, but it was (and is) one of my favorite illustrations about how life plays out for us.
I disagree with your assessment, “I will meet them for coffee or lunch, which are both distanced from the romantic overtures that dinners carry.” I think this could still be a potential hazard. It does no harm to invite another coworker – a third party is always good. SM
I agree, it is potentially a hazard. I think this is a decision that each couple needs to discuss and make together. It’s a boundary that works for my marriage, but it might not with someone else’s.
I concur 100% with what your article outlines. My husband would disagree with every point, however. His work relationship never crossed the physical line, but the emotional bond was so far gone, that it damaged our ability to become close, even after we were married. His emotional bond with this woman was stronger than our own bond, yet he denied there was a problem that needed to be addressed. It took months before he did anything about it, but by then the trust in our marriage was completely gone because he resorted to sneaking behind my back to call this woman ‘for fear of my wrath’. The rationalization being my ‘reaction’ does not and never will justify any spouse sneaking behind the other. The depth of an emotional bond is far stronger than any other kind of bond. My husband’s friend did not give our marriage any space; she just clung to the old relationship she had because she did not have a satisfying marriage herself. A wife should never have to ‘compete’ for her own husband; he should protect his ‘one and only’ more than any other relationship. I sometimes wonder whether ‘fighting’ for my marriage was really worth it because he still maintains that he was justified in sneaking behind my back and admits that he has withheld telling me about the times he has avoided her in work circumstances because he thought I would be upset. He ended his friendship with his woman about a year after we were married, but the trust was so far gone and he maintained an attitude that ending his friendship was enough for me to trust him. Because he has withheld information about how and when he’s intentionally avoided her, it only deepens the wound of broken trust, when telling me would have rebuilt the trust, regardless of what fears of my reaction might have brought, but it would have shown transparency and sincerity and good faith to me. I feel the term ‘potential hazard’ is an understatement; the trauma has destroyed our marriage, how I feel about my husband and the destruction of our family (two 9 yr old boys). I admit that I did see the warning signs long before we were to be married; I just assumed that Christian leaders who counseled others in pre-marital and marital matters knew the difference between appropriate and inappropriate relationships with married people of the opposite sex. Even his stepdaughter has stepped into the middle of the issue and inserted her opinion and judgment on the matter regardless of how it just deepened the wound for me. My husband claims he is the victim of all this because of my refusal to let go and get so upset about the situation. My only other choice was to walk away which I did not do, but I can’t help but feel now that maybe that would have been the best thing to do for all of us…This has destroyed 4 lives/ hearts.
Meg, I’m saddened to hear about your situation. You have some really helpful realizations in your thoughts here that will be of help to others, so thank you for being open and sharing. My hope is that you can continue to process and heal. Blessings to you on your journey.