3 Reasons to Have The “Porn Talk” Before Marriage


You found the person that makes your heart beat a bit harder, your smile a bit larger and your brain a bit crazier! If you’re considering the next step of engagement, there are many things for you to consider before hand. A lot of people talk about finances, home and career life, how many children they want. However, not many people view pornography as one of those big talks. While all of those topics are great conversations to have, here are a few reasons a deep, honest conversation about porn use is vital before marriage:

  1. Marriage will not fix a porn addiction.

In my time speaking with spouses about pornography addiction, many of them knew that their partner had a problem before marrying them (myself included), and thought getting married would fix that problem. Every single one of them learned the hard way that marriage is not a fix to a porn addiction.

Just because you are able to have sex with your spouse, does not mean the urge to watch pornography disappears. My husband and I struggled through this exact problem for four long years after we were married. My thought process was simply that he wouldn’t “need” pornography anymore because I would satisfy all those desires.

I was very wrong. While we did satisfy each other physically, a pornography addiction goes far beyond mere physical release. Which brings us to our second point:

  1. There is usually an underlying trauma beneath the pornography use.

While dealing with pornography as an issue in our marriage, my husband realized his addiction was all based on past issues that were never resolved. Shame, guilt, insecurity, etc. that began in his childhood started to become medicated by using pornography. This caused a cycle to begin, then an addiction to take root.

When trying to deal with a pornography addiction, chances are, your significant other will have to dig into deeper issues. With just that knowledge alone, realize that resolving an addictive behavior will take a long time. Recovery is a lifestyle, not an overnight fix. Keep that in mind when making future marital plans.

  1. Pornography can tear a marriage apart

Some people may believe that pornography spices up the bedroom. When, in reality, there is scientific proof that it does just the opposite. (Here is one great article that goes into more detail about that). Pornography may cause your spouse to become depressed, alienated and not able to perform in bed. It may cause you self-esteem issues, trust issues, and other PTSD effects.

In my own marriage, pornography resulted in years of recovery for both my husband and myself. While we are years past the addiction, there are still times that I have mistrust or am triggered by various things which bring me back to those years of infidelity. And while my husband has won the constant battle of daily pornography use, he still has to wage war on visual stimuli every single day.

If you or your soon to be spouse is dealing with a pornography problem, please get help to start your road to recovery before getting married. Bringing a hidden porn problem into a marriage will only cause a long, bumpy road ahead. There is no shame in getting help. You are absolutely not alone. Here is an amazing resource from XXXChurch to start your road to recovery. Check it out, you will be glad you did.

Cheers to a long, beautiful, Christ-centered marriage!



About

Melissa Ruff is a thirty-something wife, mother, and blogger. She holds a psychology degree from Ashford University, leads a XXXChurch small group for women and writes a ton! Melissa and her family would not be where they are today without the grace of God. He has shown up, restored hope and built an incredible foundation on him for her marriage and family life! You can read more and follow her at her blog and facebook page in the links below.


  • Lindsay Hausch

    Its great that you’re opening the door to this conversation. I hope that many new couples will benefit from your honesty.

    • Melissa Ruff

      Thank you Lindsay! Me too 🙂

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