When my dad learned that my relationship with my boyfriend was entering “serious” territory, he only wanted to know one thing: Have you had a good fight? He wasn’t hoping to see our relationship end up on the rocks; on the contrary, he wanted to be sure that we knew how to love and respect each other even when our interests were divided. He wanted to know that our love could survive the clash of differences two sinners in close quarters are bound to encounter. I’ve heard it so many times I could say it in my sleep: Conflict in marriage is a given. But it is your response to conflict that counts.
That was Conflict 101. When Zach asked my parents’ permission to marry me, my dad gave us the advanced rendition: every argument is potential for learning something new about your spouse. What makes this issue a hot button for him/her? What is the reason, the significance, behind his/her frustration? He told us a story of some friends when they were newlyweds to illustrate. She was raised in a what’s-mine-is-ours family, where possessions and boundaries overlapped between siblings; he was an only child accustomed to independence and privacy. On their honeymoon, he made a simple request of his new wife: please keep your hairbrush off my dresser. She was crushed; why did he want to draw such a harsh line between them? He was shocked at her tearful response: why did she have to be so sensitive? My dad advised us to fight not to win, but to learn.
Fast forward twelve months: perhaps it is ironic that, fresh from our honeymoon, I am reading a book about marital conflict. Not because Zach and I aren’t enjoying ourselves; we love being married and starting out our new life together. And not because I’m cynical, just waiting for the butterflies to be shot down by life’s demanding realities. I am reading Fight Fair: Winning at Conflict Without Losing at Love because I know I am human, I married a human, and I don’t want to be caught by surprise.
Written by Tim and Joy Downs, Fight Fair compares conflict in marriage as “a game without rules” and uses this athletic analogy as a running theme throughout the book. [10] The couple explains, “It may sound strange to speak of conflict as a ‘game,’ but in a sense it is. Every marital agreement has two players, a starting point, a finish line…There are winners and losers too-though in this game, unlike most, both players can win or both can lose.” [11]
I confess, as a newlywed, I cringe a little at the mention of fouls and penalties as applied to marriage. Frankly, I dislike hearing of any similarity between this sacred covenant and a wrestling ring. Yet even I know that no one can transcend all tension, and the Downs provide insight to equip couples to face conflict as it arises and come out stronger together on the other end. It is this focus that encourages me: “Conflict is not a war against your mate but a battle for intimacy.” [27] In other words, you can make a fight work for you if that’s where your heart is. Rather than just being exhausted by tiffs and spats, fighting fair can produce benefits for your marriage.
Tim and Joy name these benefits in their chapter, “The Object of the Game”: enhanced understanding of each other, renewed intimacy, and removal of resentment due to unaddressed issues. When a husband and wife are committed to these goals, they are more willing to overlook offenses and quicker to forgive all for the sake of the relationship. And this way, even in the midst of an argument both husband and wife can be assured that the fact no one has run out of the room yet expresses concern and commitment to resolution.
Zach will often remind me of this, saying, “I’m not saying this to blame you or make you feel criticized, I am trying to make sure we understand each other correctly.” These words make me feel loved and cared for, and suddenly, I am reminded that we are on the same team. We are not at odds fighting against each other, but fighting together, sharing in the same purpose of restoring the relationship. Throughout the book, Tim and Joy encourage the reader to develop their own “rules” for fighting on the same team, and I am beginning to realize the advantage of being intentional about conflict rather than just dealing with it as it comes up.
While some disagreements may yield intimacy, some are not worth having. I appreciate that the Downs make this distinction, “In marriage we all need the wisdom to know the difference between a serious offense and a minor faux pas. Treating every slight or snub as a conflict requiring discussion and resolution would be exhausting.” [36] I am still a novice at what I consider to be the art of letting the little things go. But I’ve found Tim and Joy’s counsel to be true: often the only difference between intimacy and conflict is my own attitude.
Echoing my father’s advice, Tim and Joy write, “When it comes to achieving peace in marriage, the only real failure is to no longer make the attempt.” [142]. Cognitively we may know that it takes effort to make a marriage grow, but we struggle to follow through on this principle. Fight Fair is an effective field guide offering psychological insight and practical solutions for men and women who want Christ to be reflected in their marriage. If you’re like me, you’ll find yourself laughing with recognition at some of Tim and Joy’s real-life examples and learning about yourself through their analysis of different types of communication, conflict, and apology.
No one wants their marriage to be a combat pit, and while it may be tempting at times to call foul and keep score, a marriage will be at its brightest and best when governed by grace.
