When I boarded the international flight as a naïve, newly graduated cross-cultural missions major, little did I know just how steeped in cross-cultural communication my life was to become. At the time, I was eager to spend six months serving the Lord on a college campus in Cape Town, South Africa—more than 8,000 miles away from my hometown in the Midwest.
Barely twenty-one years old, I could hardly wait to meet new people, see the sights, be exposed to new ways of doing things, and put into practice what I had learned at Bible college.
Our ‘unplanned’ love story
When I first felt myself falling for the South African man who is now my husband, I thought to myself, “No! Stop that! This is not why you came here. Get those thoughts out of your head!”
But apparently the Lord had other plans—we are now in our ninth year of matrimony.
Growing up in predominantly white, Dutch, middle-class suburbia, I envisioned that I would probably have blond-haired, blue-eyed offspring. I certainly never thought I’d be seeking tips on how to manage my daughter’s beautiful Afro!
Our ‘caramel’ kids love Toby Mac’s song, ‘Made for Me,’ especially when Toby sings of his wife, ‘Well I got white skin and she got brown skin, but milk and coffee’s always been a beautiful blend.’
Many people take one look at the dichotomy of our skin colors and can’t resist asking,
So what’s it like to be in a mixed race relationship?”
Some may see it as a severe handicap, perhaps even an insurmountable hurdle. After all, is it really possible for two completely different cultures to be joined as one?
In our case, we saw the challenge as an advantage. The coming together of any two individuals is bound to create some discord as expectations and assumptions go head to head in a clamor to come out on top. But because we knew from the beginning that we had vastly different worldviews, we made an extra effort to articulate our expectations.
To have unity—communicate!
Some people may assume that if their partner went to the same high school, was raised in the same town, or possessed the same culture and worldview, they would naturally do things the same way—but each individual will come to a relationship with different ways of doing things. No two families bring up their children exactly the same way, and therefore couples will have to articulate what they expect, what they are used to, and what they would like to see happen in their own marriage in order to have unity.
For us, the fact that the differences were so blatantly obvious forced us to be overly talkative about our worldviews, our upbringing, and our assumptions. We couldn’t presume that the other person would necessarily think in a similar manner regarding anything—children, extended family relations, money management, birth control, etc.
When cultures clash
On the points where our cultures have clashed, we’ve been afforded the opportunity to search the Scriptures to find a common ground. We can critique each other’s cultural presuppositions without being judgmental or offensive. We can point out blind spots, drawing out the best of each culture, and form a new version. We can then celebrate a richness of diversity in our family.
As we began the process of expressing our views on various issues, we realized that we had more in common than we thought because our world views were based on the same source—the Word of God. With Christ as our foundation, we could agree on most of the important decisions.
Why stay rooted in Jesus?
If a cross-cultural couple builds their foundation on the Rock of Jesus Christ, that house could be uprooted and re-established anywhere on the planet without the slightest hint of entering new territory. As Matthew 7:24-25 says,
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.”
Sure, we think differently from each other. Most couples do. As a middle-class American, my thinking is often permeated with materialism and individualism. My husband’s African heritage has caused him to consider issues from a community perspective.
Yet, when it comes to decisions that need to be made, what makes our marriage tick is the commonality of the gospel. We can put our cultural differences aside and recognize the higher authority, our Lord and Maker. By his grace, as we strive to give up our culturally-tinted glasses and submit to His will, we can grow a marriage that transcends and supersedes any worldly barrier— racially, culturally or otherwise.
Kate, I found this article wonderfully written and insightful. I too am in a mixed marriage as of 6 months now. I am a black woman married to a Romanian man who grew up in America. Our cultures are not quite as different, but we have our challenges as well. We also see them as opportunities and find our common ground on our Biblical principles. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and giving us insight into what we can expect, and look forward to in our years of marriage and children to come
Thanks for your feedback, Barb! Being in a cross-cultural relationship can be so rich and provide so many insights and opportunities that might not otherwise be enjoyed. May the Lord bless your marriage as you seek to serve Him as husband and wife.
Kate, I love this:
“As we began the process of expressing our views on various issues, we realized that we had more in common than we thought because our world views were based on the same source—the Word of God.”
My husband Ted and I are twelve years apart in age. Even though we are from the same culture, we’ve heard people talk about how not having the same “cultural references” could make our marriage difficult. My response has always been that we have the same “spiritual reference” and isn’t that more important?
Can’t wait to read your next article!
Thanks, Ashleigh. Ultimately, any difficulty in marriage can be overcome regardless of the root if both parties are willing to humble themselves and submit to the only true authority. It has been very eye-opening for both and I to remove our culturally-tinted lenses and look together at how God’s Word addresses issues.
Thank you for your input and for the encouragement!
Thanks for your response, Kate! I just re-read my comment and realized I meant to say:
“…we’ve heard people talk about how not having the same ‘cultural references’ (meaning music, television, books, etc. since we were raised in different decades) could make our marriage difficult.”
Thank you for writing this, Kate! I am going to remember this going forward! And the Toby Mac quote for my future half-n-halves too (God willing!)
Thanks for your comment, Jerusha! As you know, being in a cross-cultural relationship can be a lot of fun … including the caramel babies!
kate that is so true, i too am in a cross-cultural marriage for over 32 yrs and yes christ is our center and we seek him for everything. it is a hugh eye opening when you take those tinted class off -wow. because we do not lie to each other, we are able to love each unconditionally, humbly embrace our difference and work towards our own marraige that works for us. still people can’t believe how this works, but submitting ourselves to each other and to Christ has a lot to do with it . Oh I just love your carmel kids, aren’t they beautiful….heaven is multicultural you know..the world is becoming more so……loved your article.
kate i too a cross-cultrual marriage for over 32yrs and christ our center, he put us together. we don’t lie to each other, we love unconditionally, humbly embrace our difference and work towards harmoney. we have challenges but we submitt ourselves to each other and to christ. i just love your caramel kids, aren’t they beautuful..heaven is muslticultural you know. the world is becoming so. Just loved your article!!
Thanks, Sharon! Praise God for His grace and faithfulness in your marriage. Thank you for taking the time to share such encouraging feedback. May the Lord continue to bless your marriage, and may it bear much fruit for His kingdom.
Hi Kate
I love this article, thank you for writing it. Even though my husband and I are both black (he’s American and I South African), we knew when we met that we were different culturally. I especially love this:
“As we began the process of expressing our views on various issues, we realized that we had more in common than we thought because our world views were based on the same source—the Word of God.”
Our love for Christ and each other and communication keeps us going.
Love the article. God bless you and family
Thank you for your feedback, Yoliswa! Glad the message resonated with you as well. May the Lord continue to bless your marriage with richness and unity in Christ.