Rethinking The One

Fairytales and romantic comedies all offer a similar plot line: boy meets girl. Boy and girl go though some type of hardship or conflict. Boy and girl work through their problems and ride off into the sunset. They promise a fight free easy future, because they are soul mates. They have found the “one.”

So what is a girl or guy to do when you realize the person you love is deeply flawed? It can be a big blowout fight, an inconsiderate action, or finding out they don’t fit your picture of the person you thought you would wind up with. This reality hit me hard quite a few times while dating my boyfriend. I had to understand that no one is perfect and loving someone involves celebrating and understanding your differences.

Be it dating, getting engaged and preparing for marriage, or actually getting married, we need to understand that biblically speaking, marriage is forever. In Matthew 19, Jesus spoke against divorce. It’s important to go into marriage thoughtfully and carefully and accept that reality and the romantic fantasy don’t always match up. It’s also important to fight to stay engaged and active in the marriage.

One important thing to keep in mind when preparing for marriage is researching and exploring how you and your potential spouse are different. Most relationship and marriage counselors have some sort of capability testing that highlight where your personalities may clash. If you understand that, you can anticipate and navigate potential conflicts in your relationship. I personally have found Gary Chapman’s work helpful, specifically The Five Love Languages and Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married.

Once you understand those differences, it is important to remember to compromise. I am a social butterfly considering marriage to an introvert. This caused a lot of tension in our relationship, and even caused a fight that almost led to us breaking up. After talking about it, we agreed that big events are non negotiable, but coming with me to small events and hangouts are at his digression. Coming to terms with the fact we are different and want different things allowed us to set some ground rules that would prevent future conflict. This is a skill I hope we would take into our future relationship.

No one is perfect and it is rare that who we wind up with will be a perfect fit. Understanding our differences and compromise can help prevent future conflict.


Christina is a middle school English teacher from Staten Island, New York. She currently teaches at an inner city school in Brooklyn and freelance writes for retiree associations and public relations firms in New York. She has been involved in the absence ministry and is active in her church.

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