5 Things She Wishes She Knew Before Marriage

Part 2: Trisha’s Perspective

Justin did an excellent job of posting HIS top five things he wished he would have known before marriage, but now welcome to MY list! Ladies, I hope my being transparent will help you prepare for, or grow in, your marriage. Don’t forget to post your own ideas in the comment area below.

1. Doing everything the “right way” in my marriage won’t fix all the brokenness of my past.
Justin and I got married young. For the most part we grew up in homes that, although dysfunctional, manifested love, and our parents loved each other. My parents separated two years after I got married and soon after divorced. It rocked the foundation of everything I knew marriage to be. I was naive to the real struggles my parents were facing and had to come to terms with my own brokenness. This fueled a very unhealthy fire in me to do everything “right” in MY marriage so that NOTHING would go wrong.

2. Love is a choice not a feeling.
Have you ever looked at an elderly couple that still hold hands and look upon one another with complete endearment and wonder “how do I get that?” What I have learned is that love is not an emotion but rather a choice. Love is not about choosing each other but rather a daily choice to choose God. When I love Justin through my emotions and feelings alone, I am left disappointed most of the time. But when I choose to love God and allow the Holy Spirit to prompt me in how to love Justin amazing intimacy takes place; the crazy kind of love that even in your old age makes you reach out for the hand of your spouse and with just a look communicate “I love you.”

3. Physical intimacy WILL BE CONFUSING!
Whether you knew a lot about sex going into your marriage or not, it’s one of the most confusing parts of marriage. Sex is not just about attraction, but a deep spiritual connection like nothing on the planet. It is as much a physical need as it is a spiritual need…so why is it so hard to completely understand? Why is it that one partner seems to long for sex way more than the other? Why is that one seems to never long for it at all?

I wish I knew before Justin and I got married how a man’s body is designed. That sex is TRULY a physical need and not a selfish request. That sex is just as much about an emotional need as it is a physical need. But mostly I wish I understood the beautiful and irreplaceable role sex plays in growing our marriage spiritually.

4. Doing it my way isn’t always the best way.
Justin and I were married for 4 months before I got pregnant with my son Micah. In fact, Micah was born 5 days after our one-year anniversary. We were learning how to do life as a team of two, and before we could figure that out, we quickly became a team of three! We both took claim of different areas of our marriage and decided that MY WAY was the BEST WAY. Justin held onto our finances with an iron fist and I was psycho-baby-momma that made sure Micah was taken care of the right way… MY WAY…at all times.

God has brought us together as a team, not as opposing sides. We learned to trust each other and accepted how each of us went about daily life. So I may have chosen to change Micah’s diaper sooner than Justin thought to. And maybe I didn’t balance the checkbook in a timely fashion as he did. In the end, those small details don’t matter! What matters is that we know that we are there for each other and that we are always assuming the best of each other…even when our best looks very different.

5. The difference between TRUST and FEAR.
Our story would lead one to think that I have a right to fear that Justin will have another affair. Or that Justin should fear that one day I would eventually leave him because of his choices. This type of fearful thinking is so destructive. Fear says that you will not survive the fallout of losing your spouse, so live in suspicion in order to catch him/her when he/she messes up.

  • Trust says…
    I am fully aware that in trusting I’m being vulnerable to being hurt (again).
  • Trust says…
    “I am for you” and “I am thinking the best of you”… not the worst.
  • Trust says…
    I’m going to love my spouse with reckless abandonment just as Jesus did for me when he came and died on the cross.
  • Trust says…
    I will love my spouse without fear, but with hope that the Holy Spirit will guide me to love my spouse.
  • Trust says…
    “God, I will love my spouse fearlessly thinking the best of them at all times” and “if my spouse chooses to leave me, YOU will never leave me or forsake me.”

What would YOU add?


Justin and Trisha Davis returned to ministry in 2009 following a four year journey of restoration. After successfully planting their first church, Justin had an affair with a staff member, who was also Trisha's best friend. For two months, their marriage was on life support. Over the next several months, the Davis' found grace, love and redemption for their hearts and their marriage. In 2009, they founded RefineUs Ministries, INC in hopes of changing The Church by sharing their story of marriage, ministry, failure and loss. They are bloggers, authors, teachers and Justin is a pastor at Cross Point Church in Nashville, TN, where they reside with their three boys.

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