A friend recently lost 100 pounds. After he reached his goal, he posted on Facebook that he felt strangely letdown or empty. “Now what?” he wondered. In addition, he didn’t expect that some of his old friends would treat him differently because they thought he was no longer the person they once knew. But this friend is choosing to maintain his new self by cultivating habits of healthful eating and exercise.
In a similar way, if you have decided to forgive or let go of a long-term hurt or bitterness, you may experience an unanticipated letdown or strange emptiness. “Now what?” you may wonder. In addition, you may find some people are angry with you because you did not seek revenge but choose to cultivate the healthy habit of forgiveness.
Perceived benefits
Realize that to forgive means to “let go of what was done to us or should have been done for us and to give up our rights for revenge or retaliation.” There are perceived benefits to holding onto our anger:
- It makes us feel powerful.
- It makes us feel as if we are in control.
Actual benefits
Dr. Clark Gerhart says that our anger excites an internal reward system, so being angry makes us feel good, in a way. When we let go of those strong feelings, we get a letdown feeling that we didn’t anticipate. The actual benefits of forgiving, however, are greater than the perceived ones:
- Physically: When we forgive and let go of grudges, we cut our risk of stroke in half. Holding onto anger leads to increased headaches, insomnia, fatigue and depression.
- Relationally: When we forgive, we are better able to cope with other stressors. When we fail to forgive, our resentment slowly poisons all our other relationships.
- Spiritually: When we forgive, we make a way for God to be merciful and gracious to us. When we hold grudges, we pronounce judgment on others and ourselves since we act as if we believe we are God the Judge. We also create division, conflict and turmoil. Plus, the Bible says we open the door for Satan to get a foothold in other areas of our life (Eph. 4:26-27).
Forgiving doesn’t mean we are saying that what happened was okay or that we forget the offense or excuse someone’s poor behavior. It does mean that we give up our desire for revenge and we are willing to do the emotional work to heal on a deeper level.
Healthy forgiveness habits
As you work through your resentment, it’s normal to have times of discouragement. In the midst of cleaning out the junk, things get miserable. You will have times when you wonder, “Will I ever be free of this burden?” If your goal is to forgive and be healed of your bitterness, then understand you will have to go through some very difficult moments. But remembering these things will help minimize the obstacles to forgiveness:
- Remember what God has done for you.
- Express to God and yourself how you have been hurt or violated.
- Tell God that you recognize he is the righteous Judge and that you are giving the hurt to Him.
- Realize it’s not necessary to forget in order to forgive.
- Understand setbacks are normal.
- Remember that God has the power to make all things new—including your hurt and broken places.
- Thank God for healing and freeing you.
- Celebrate your healing and freedom.
Remember that if you want to have healthy relationships, forgiveness will need to be a constant habit that you cultivate.
*Adapted from Taking Out Your Emotional Trash: Face your Feelings and Build Healthy Relationships by Georgia Shaffer
