You’ve survived the wedding and the reception with all the planning and preparations that came with it, and now you are faced with your first big decision as a newly married couple. Every situation is different – perhaps your spouse has a job opportunity in another state that would move you away from family or maybe you are considering a significant financial decision like buying a new house or car.
I remember the big decisions my wife and I made together after we were first married: the first house, the decision to move away from family for a new job, the decision to make a career change, where to spend the holidays and so on. But I’ll never forget the decision we made to quit my full time job and start a new business which required us to live on our savings for a period of time. As an entrepreneur, my wife and I have been in some extremely stressful and demanding times of decision.
First of all, I want to encourage you to look at these times as an amazing opportunity. With every significant decision you and your spouse will face, you have the opportunity to become more unified and stronger as a couple if you approach these decisions appropriately.
The first step in making a significant decision together is making sure you are on the same team. In theory this seems quite easy, but practically it can prove to be more difficult. After all, you are two completely different people with different opinions and perspectives and backgrounds. Just because you are married does not mean you will always see every situation the same. In fact, it is almost a guarantee that you will see things differently, but remember God planned it that way. He designed men and women differently and there is a great advantage you have at your disposal if you use these differences effectively. Your spouse will inevitably see things you will not and you will see things your spouse may miss. The best way to make sure you and your spouse are on the same team begins with making sure you are both in an intimate relationship with Christ. You both need to be praying and studying God’s word every day. The Bible says in Proverbs 16:25,
There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.”
It is imperative that you are trusting in God’s guidance instead of your own. What appears to be right may not be so right, so make sure you and your spouse are drinking from God’s word every day.
The next step involves a willingness to consider both sides of a decision. Most people come to a conclusion quickly without considering all the possibilities. This approach is often rooted in pride, but you have to ask yourself, “Do I want to be right or do I want to make the right decision.” There is a difference. I have learned from experience that my desire to be right often led me to a painful conclusion. It’s difficult to give up control, but the benefits of having an open discussion with your spouse about all the possibilities and being willing to leave it up to God’s direction will be nourishment to your marriage. Strong marriages involve vulnerability and transparency, and you will be cultivating those attributes in your marriage if you yield yourself to God and to each other.
Agree as a couple that you will take an appropriate amount of time to discuss, think and pray about all the possibilities of your decision before making the decision. This will provide a defense against reaching a decision prematurely.
Remember to communicate what you are feeling and thinking as it relates to the decision with your spouse. In the past I have spent considerable time thinking through a decision and then revealed everything to my spouse after I’d already gone through the process expecting her to come to the same conclusion as me. What I didn’t realize in those times was that I had taken the time to consider and adjust to the idea this decision would bring and she only had a few moments to consider what I had been considering for weeks. I’ve witnessed many couples making this same mistake, so don’t play the Lone Ranger. Take the time to share your thoughts, feelings and concerns as you are dealing with them, and your spouse will feel more connected and involved in the process.
As you and your spouse spend the appropriate amount of time praying, sharing and thinking through the options of a big decision, keep your eyes open for God’s leading. God will often open doors and he will also close doors. If God appears to be opening the door, then decide to walk through that door together. I’ve often prayed, “God, we feel you are opening this door, and we are going to proceed, but please close it if this is not your will.” I have discovered that God often uses the process of making decisions to mold us and form us into his image, so be excited about this opportunity to grow together as you work through it as a team. Remember that the process of making the decision will probably be far more important than the decision itself in the long run.
