Don’t Just Sit There

Here’s a common misconception men have that causes major sexual dysfunction in a marriage: Confusing the desire to be wanted and loved with being pursued (both emotionally and sexually). Everyone wants to be loved; everyone wants to feel loved. Nothing wrong with wanting to be sexually desirable to your wife, but expecting that to translate to being pursued, sought after, or romanced by your wife is a serious miscalculation. The husband is the prime initiator, the prime mover and the prime pursuer. He is the one who should be initiating, romancing, and seeking his wife–sexually and emotionally. This is how he confirms her value and his love; this is how she will know her value and his love. She’s worth the effort, and pursuing her makes that “public knowledge” within their marriage.

Men who wait for a woman to chase them or pursue them or initiate intimacy are being “effeminate”; it’s a role reversal. Of course, a wife is always free to initiate a romantic encounter. Some are freer than others. But it should come as a response to the overall environment the husband has built, an environment where she is free for the very reason that she does not have to pursue him. She can pick and choose her opportunities and it’s a pleasure to both.

Turn off the expectation that your wife should be seeking you out romantically or intimately, without feeling that it’s somehow unfair that you have to initiate romance or intimacy “all the time” and see if tensions don’t drop, mistrust doesn’t disappear, and more freedom in the marriage bedroom doesn’t follow.

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Jess MacCallum is a business owner, writer and the often-challenged husband of a Proverbs 31 type woman. He is the executive VP of Professional Printers, while Anne home-schools and leads worship; has 3 CDs of original music and runs ultra-marathons in her spare time. They have been married over 23 years, and have three children. Jess has a BA in art (magna cum laude) from the University of South Carolina, where he spent four years training with the Navigators, and has been involved in a variety of ministries for over 30 years.For more information on Jess, you’re invited to visit his personal site: There you can read excerpts, reviews, his bio and link to interviews. For more information about Jess' books, visit Standard Publishing.

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