Dr. Gary Chapman is a world-renowned author and speaker spreading hope, healing, and help to relationships and marriages everywhere. His most recognizable work is New York Times bestseller, The 5 Love Languages®. Recently, Dr. Chapman applied his wealth of knowledge to his latest book, Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married where he takes practical, easy-to-read, down-to-earth principles and relates them to those who are single, dating, and engaged. His hope is to equip young people with useful skills and tools that will provide a strong, healthy foundation for their future marriage.
This is part 2 of the interview. You can see the first segment by clicking here.
SMR: Human nature is very self-oriented, especially in today’s culture. How do couples combat that selfish tendency in their marriage in order to meet the needs of their spouse?
Gary: It doesn’t come naturally because by nature we are self-centered. We are egocentric. That’s not all bad. Because we are egocentric we feed ourselves, we get rest, and we get exercise. We take care of ourselves. That’s good. But when that self-centeredness becomes selfishness, so that we view everything through the lens of what am I getting out of this? then we start thinking, “They’re not treating me fairly. They’re not doing what they should be doing for me. I’m not getting out of this marriage what I should be getting out of this marriage.” Everything is focused around us and what we’re getting. When you have two people who are focusing like that on self, and then they start not only requesting things, they start demanding things of each other, they’re on a downward spiral from that point on.
So, I think this whole thing of selfishness is a malady that all of us have, and we have to learn to love. Love is the opposite of selfishness. Love has the attitude, “I’m married to you, how can I help you? How can I make your life easier? How can I be a better husband to you?” Love is reaching out to benefit the other person. And when you get two people loving, you have what marriage was designed to be: a supportive, encouraging relationship.
From my perspective there is a spiritual element to this. The Scriptures say, “We love God because God first loved us.” Well, somebody’s got to start the process of loving rather than being selfish. Another biblical perspective is that the love of God is poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit; that we allow God, as it were, to love through us. “It doesn’t have to be my feelings and how I am feeling about them, but I know God loves them, so I give myself to God to be an agent of loving them, expressing His love.” To me, that spiritual dimension helps people break free from selfishness.
SMR: Today, divorce is a highly accepted and common solution to marital difficulty. Why should someone go through the hard work of fixing a broken or unsatisfying marriage, when divorce is so easy — even encouraged — in our culture?
Gary: The difficulty is that divorce is not a solution. Divorce creates a lot of other problems. People feel like, “I’m so miserable in this marriage. I’m going to divorce. I’m going to find a new life. Things are going to be better for me.” Well, that just simply doesn’t happen for most people. Now, divorce may get you out of the pressure-cooker of a difficult marriage, and it may allow you to breathe deeply for a bit, and you may feel more relaxed when you get out from under that pressure, but divorce creates another whole set of problems. Problems with the children, if you have children. The reality is that when you divorce someone, they don’t cease to exist. They are ex-spouses now. They’re still spouses, and they’re still in your life, especially if you have children. That means you’re going to encounter them from time to time. It means all the special events of life, such as marriage, graduation from high school and college, and all those kinds of things, you are going to be face-to-face with your ex-spouse. And yes, some people learn to navigate that fairly decently. For others, it’s just a pain in the neck the rest of their life.
And then also, it’s the whole impact that divorce creates on children. We have underestimated this in our culture. We have said, “Children can adapt. It’s not all that bad for children.” The reality is children of divorce have a much more difficult life emotionally and sometimes physically because the finances are strained when there are two households to support. So, it has a tremendous impact on children emotionally and psychologically that we sometimes don’t consider, or we just feel like, “Children will make it. They’ll be alright.” And children often suffer for a lifetime over the divorce of their parents. So, divorce is not a solution; it just creates another set of problems.
I think if we can take a longer look at divorce, a better look at divorce, research indicates that five years later whether the individuals married again or whether they didn’t marry, they are not happier than they were when they were married. I mean they are supposed to be happier, right? But they’re not happier. I just think we have taken divorce far too lightly. It’s an easy way to get out, but it’s not an easy way to solve problems.
SMR: Because of the lack of success in marriages today, a lot of couples are choosing cohabitation and exploing the benefits of marriage without the commitment of marriage, what would you say to them?
Gary: Logically it sounds good. We’ll try marriage and then if it doesn’t work, we won’t get married, and if it does work then we’ll be better off for having had the experience. The difficulty with that is that you can’t simulate marriage. The one missing ingredient when you live together is commitment. Marriage has to do with commitment. In fact, you’ll often hear couples who have been living together, after they’ve been living together a year or two, and one of them asks something of the other, “You need to do this,” and the other one will say, “Don’t tell me what to do. We’re not married. Don’t forget that. We’re not married.” They know that they’re not committed to this person. Both of them know that either of them can walk out. They’re free to walk out, and there’s nothing legally that has to be done. They can just pick up any day and walk out. So, there’s insecurity in that kind of relationship.
It’s almost like we’re playing house, and as you mentioned, we’re trying to get the benefits of marriage, many times sexual pleasure and sometimes financial gain – that it doesn’t cost as much if two people live together in the same apartment. Most of the time, I think it’s motivated by an unwillingness to make a commitment. They’ve seen their parents divorced. They’ve seen their friends get married and three years later get divorced. They’re saying, “We don’t want to go through that, so let’s just live together, and then we can walk away and won’t have to go through all the financial stuff and all the hassles of divorce and all of that.” But, if they have children, and many of them do, while they’re living together, now you’ve got the same dynamics that you would have if they were married with a child. Because the child bonds to that person, and now they walk off, and now the child is going through divorce even though the parents have never been married. It’s not a healthy relationship in spite of the fact that it’s becoming more popular in our country.
SMR: What is the one thing you would love for individuals to take away from reading this book?
Gary: What I hope is that singles won’t wait until they are engaged to read this book. Even if they’re not dating, I hope they’ll read the book with the attitude, “Someday I want to get married, so I’d like to learn what I can about marriage even before I start dating.” And then, people who are just starting to date, I think they will profit from this book because it will give them ideas on what needs to be discussed while they’re dating. Because the purpose of dating, as I see it, is to get to know each other so you can make an intelligent decision about to marry or not to marry. And then I hope that once they get serious about each other and are thinking about marriage, that they’ll begin to work through this, reading the talking points at the end of each chapter, discussing them with each other, and again, I think they’re more likely to make a good decision about whether to marry or not to marry.
Certainly engaged couples will profit greatly from the book, and what I hope is it will help them learn some things, develop some skills that will make their entrance into marriage much easier for them. I know that if I had learned these things before I got married, it would not have been as hard as it was for us. I am hoping that people can learn from my mistakes. Don’t try to make all the mistakes yourself. Learn from other people’s mistakes and make life easier for you.
SMR: Do you have any additional comments or thoughts you would like to share with those who are navigating the premarital stage of life?
Gary: I just think we need to open our eyes. We need to be realistic. We need to be honest. We need to discuss things thoroughly.
We also need to listen to our friends who see things in the other person that we don’t see, and take what they’re saying seriously, explore those issues. Even what your parents say; take those things seriously, and begin to dig around a bit in that area. And perhaps your parents are more mature, and they very likely see some things you don’t see. So, I would say listen to others, and don’t simply go into marriage based on the fact that you have these euphoric feelings for each other. Look at all these other areas that we discuss in the book. Make sure you have an adequate foundation for building a marriage before you decide to get married.
