34 responses to “Want a Better Marriage? Be a Better Spouse.”

  1. Shawna

    Darlene,
    Thank you for this article.

  2. Rayni Peavy

    Great article, Darlene. Lots of wisdom there!

  3. sherrie

    I think these steps are wonderful and they serve as an asset to any marriage.

  4. Ama Joshua

    Please ma you be my mentor?

  5. Angie

    I’m not married but great advice if I do get married again.

  6. agnes pingol

    Thank you for this great article….its been helpful

  7. Sally

    Wish I would have happened upon your Want A Better Marriage? message years ago. After 30 years together, my marriage suffered a meltdown 4 months ago owing to us not complying with your 15 avenues of wisdom. If only I’d realized the importance of each and every one all along. However, we are on the road to recovery now and will use your words for future support. Thanks.

  8. Marie

    My second husband of 7 years is not connected spiritually. He hasn’t done the personal growth or spiritual work on himself that I have done. He has told me he does not trust me regarding finances, etc., although I live in open integrity and honesty on all such matters. He does not like my cooking, or the way i make love, or the way i massage him or my connection with people wanting to serve and make the world a better place. He does not share my interest and connection to family and grandchildren. He belittles my wisdom and knowledge of people and my getting involved to help others. He doesn’t care about people and life purpose and self growth the way I do. I have tried everything to get him to raise his consciousness and make a shift into a more spiritual way of life, but to no avail. All we do is fight and remain separate whenever possible. I am ready to leave the marriage and have had two counselors say they do not see us ever being on the same page. When is it time to leave a marriage that cannot be fixed?

  9. Tshwaana

    I am five years in marriage.There is no joy at home.My wife is always over me.She will always tell me that because she is not she seems to beg and pray me to provide what ever she desire.I married her cos I love her and I will provide what ever I can afford.I am always accused om extra marital affairs.I work 4 days and when I am off I am always home.We once went through rough patch and I thought all is done with and buried.When I start to be happy she makes my heart to be sad whereby at times I regret of getting into marriage.We have three lovely daughters and I always think about them.When I see them playing happily I ask myself that why is their mother not reacting like them and see the world through the eyes of the child.Normally wen things get nasty I keep quite because I hate argument as I am short tempered.

  10. james

    Darlene, I read this article because I got here from the love languages website. I was at the love languages website because I am seeking greater understanding of the love languages. Recently my girlfriend said”maybe my love language [to receive] is not acts of service.”. We are in a rough patch. So rough, that she does not say I love you when I say it any more if I am just being realistic about the relationship. We are 7 weeks pregnant. Yes, that is the kicker. We have been together for almost 3 months. We absolutely make God the center, but we slipped in the midst of trying to stay abstinent. She is 27, I am 30, and I have never been so madly in love with a woman as I have with her. I am hurt and saddened by her with withdrawal and anger towards me recently but I am trying to love her unconditionally. She has a 5yo daughter and she was just getting to a point in life where she was going to be able to go on missions trips and I am catching all the blame for our actions. I know that we are both to blame but I feel like I am the only one being punished. I don’t want to play the blame game, and I don’t want to remind her of her actions during that night. I am praying as well as many of our closest friends. My ideal situation of course would be to have the love return. I do all the same things that I did in the beginning, and all of those things “smother” her now. Any advice? I am trying to give her as much space as possible right now. She is used to being independent and during her last pregnancy, she received zero support. Since this is the case, she is feeling smothered by me since I am doing everything to be there for her because I want to be the best bf\husband to her possible. It is safe to say that she is used to doing this on her own. Anytime I try to love her with these acts of service, she rejects it as “too much”. How do I tell her in a loving way that support is good, and normal and should be expected and accepted during this time?

  11. Edwin Ancarana

    Darlene, how can a couple that are of a different faith, or no faith, apply your advice effectively? Can the Christ-centered activities (for example, prayer) be effectively replaced with other spiritual-centered, or secular-centered, activities? Thank you for your response. Regards, Edwin

  12. Jared

    Darlene, thank you for your efforts in learning and sharing all that you have.

    I am separated from my gf of almost two years. We have been apart almost two weeks. I believe I may have anxious attachment issues and I think she may be avoidant/dismissive. This has been a problem for me before w my ex wife. Almost the same situation.

    I have struggled with god most of my life. Many times sincerely seeking god and wanting to feel loved, but I have been able to. I do not believe I am saved and am very doubting and confused about religion and spirituality.

    I have had a hard time dealing with this situation and have harrassed her with my anxious neediness til she has kicked me out and says they’re is very little hope for us. My heart is to not give up on her bc I feel she needs my patience, understanding and LOVE. I keep telling myself this is all gods way of perfecting me and using me to help her, her kids and others in the world.

    I’m very anxious and preoccupied about all this and don’t want to push her away. I was at her house today cleaning a mess I had left in the yard and am scheduled to go back tomorrow to make a repair to the house. She was a little more open with me today than she had been for several days probably due to me not pressuring her as much as i have been, even though she is unable to communicate her feelings to me very well and I feel some genuine progress was made towards resolution.

    Please pray for our family.
    Thx
    Jared

  13. Jared

    I accepted Jesus last night! Or maybe I realized that I already had many years ago. Regardless, pray for my strength as I walk with Christ. Sadly Rachel has moved on and started dating. I went to her house today and she had a man there. Didn’t work out how I hoped but I finally have peace in abundance. I will not shut her out of my heart but I realize we can’t be together unmarried. Maybe in the future we could date and I can share the gospel w her. Praise god! Thank you for your prayers.

  14. Jared

    Thanks Darlene. God hasn’t put her out of my mind yet. I’ll continue praying about it as well. This situation needs a lot of prayer.

    Jared

  15. Mel

    What do you do when you have done all you can do….YOU JUST PRAY! THANKS

  16. Hedy

    Thank you, Darlene and I thank God for the guidance to go to Dr. Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” website. I have been distraught over my husband’s temper and how quickly it flares no matter what I say or do (obviously, this is an ongoing issue or I would not be so distraught). I was looking for some guidance in how to go on in this relationship, really how to heal and how to make our marriage emotionally more balanced and healthy (our pattern is: he yells, threatens, etc… and I totally shut down).

    I so appreciate this sage advise in your article and will print and re-read several times a day. I already feel more hopeful that with God’s guidance, love and placing people in our lives that have messages that can guide us more closely to God’s desires for us. May God bless and keep you and yours.

  17. Kevin Yao

    Hi! Darlene. please tell me what to do. my wife said she do not have feeling with me about one year ago. i try to do the best. i do very thing at home. I leave with my mon and dad. Now she do not like any of my family, she does not want me to have sex with her. so we do not have sex around two years. she was angy all of my family. I can not let my mon and dad out of the house because they are seventy years old. Everyday, she see me that she just complain and complain. I am so stress for that. please help me pray and tell me what i need tto do. i love her very much and i do not want to end of my marrige. Thank you so much

  18. schela

    I learned alot from all the steps, and I know I will be able to use them with my future husband. Thank you!

  19. Jeff

    The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after the attraction fades, and wondering where the love went.

    It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that fades over time, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things. For the man:

    1. To accept everything that he knows and does not know about her now.
    2. To accept her regardless of what happens in the unknown future as they both age – for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as they shall live. Even if she is later disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, he promises now to accept her.
    3. To forgive her later. Since neither of them is perfect, they depend on each others’ forgiveness.
    4. To encourage her to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to their relationship – otherwise it will get boring.

    If they are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then they are ready to love. When they keep them, they demonstrate their love for each-other. After they formally make their promises at their wedding, they complete or consummate their promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that they subsequently have sexual intercourse, they reinforce their promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying experience.

    The problem is that if they have sexual intercourse before making their promises, then he shows her that he is capable of justifying forsaking her for a younger and shapelier rival when she get older. If he is able to restrain himself when his attraction for her is at its highest, then he shows her that he is capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.

    Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise. by Grenville Phillips, president of Walbrent College. (Loveisapromise.wordpress.com)

  20. Fola

    Thanks so much Darlene.This one is fresh from above.

  21. Graham

    Thanx and more thanks , I’ve been married for 13 years .
    Currently we sitting with misunderstandings and an ending
    arguements within our marriage . Yes we have been messing
    with the steps mentioned above but we need help .

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