I got lost on my first hike up the tallest mountain in the Northeastern United States. While I knew that “up” was always the right direction, at some point on the trail I took a wrong turn. I expected to meander along quaint streams in a flower-filled valley. Instead I climbed vertical rocks on all fours. A trail guide would have steered me better.
I needed my grandfather. For forty years he made a habit of hiking Mount Washington, but his knees no longer permit him the pleasure. Upon my return, he unpacked the journey with me. He knew where I was going, where I went wrong, and where I needed to get back on track. He also knew the strain in my legs, the bite of the wind above the tree line, and the thrill of reaching the summit. On the journey of marriage, we need such practical and poetic guidance. Sadly, couples often discontinue their search for guidance once the wedding bells chime.
Premarital counseling can be a popular practice. This can take many different forms, ranging from informally visiting with a pastor to more structured meetings with a professional counselor. The process can be fun, intimidating, and enlightening. And the discount on the marriage license provides great incentive. While I certainly recommend premarital work, I also know that advice is often best received once the going gets tough. Consider seeking out a mentoring couple early on in marriage.
A mentor couple shares their wisdom by imparting experience and knowledge through shared life. This is key. Mentoring is not solely the giving of advice. In fact, a couple that feels only the need to give advice should be cause for concern. Here are a couple of things to consider when looking for a couple to mentor your marriage:
1. Check the Tread on their Souls.
I would hesitate to trust any mountain guide with brand new soles on his boots. Seek a couple authentic enough not to pose. A couple that truly loves their marriage has been tested and tried, which means they do not need to protect their image. Tread on the soul means another thing: Experience. The value of years cannot be overstated. Something magical happens when the inexperienced spend intentional time with the experienced. It is like wisdom seeps from one to another without either party’s knowledge. Is there a veteran couple that you respect that would allow you to absorb their wisdom?
2. Look for Blisters and Callouses.
Experience is important, but only to the extent that the elder couple has embraced the suffering that comes from living in reality outside of Eden. Those that have suffered know that advice cannot solely be given. Singer-song writer Drew Holcomb writes, “Some say the soul of a man is in his philosophy, but I say you can find it in his tears.” The soul of a marriage, too, is sculpted and refined through hope and heartache. The beauty of suffering is that it gives an older couple something of worth to offer the less-traveled. It brings color to the story of their marriage. As a younger couple, seek a mentoring couple that embraces pain and disappointment as opportunities to trust God and each other in deeper ways.
3. Can You Hear their Whistle?
As you consider couples to walk alongside, tread on the soul and calloused blisters are important prerequisites, but only if the couple knows how to whistle as they hike. Look for a couple that has experienced pain and still chooses to live and love in spite of their brokenness. Ask yourself: Do they remember how to laugh together? I think of Christ in Hebrews 12:2 when it says, “…for the joy set before him (he) endured…” A joyful couple and a happy couple are two different things. Happiness is as cheap as a bottle of wine or your next vacation. Joy is earned through tears, work, and sacrifice. Do not settle for a happy couple. Listen for a joyous couple that whistles as they hike.
Finally remember that no marriage has reached the summit. We are all in process. Seek a couple that longs to offer and give out of their story, not in spite of it.
