I’ve had my share of heartache when it comes to dating. More than once I’ve looked back on a relationship and wondered, “What was I thinking?”
Unfortunately, it took several failed relationships before I was willing to admit that I needed to be more intentional about making wise choices.
Today, as a relationship coach and licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania, I want to share what I’ve gleaned from my experiences and those of others. In order to make smart choices in today’s culture, there are four important things you need to know and remember.
1. We are more vulnerable to unhealthy relationships than ever before.
Research has shown that over half of our communication with others is nonverbal. By nonverbal I’m referring to the messages we communicate through our facial expressions, eye contact, and body language. Since more and more of today’s communications are through text messages, emails, or cell phones, we don’t have many of the clues that we naturally pick up when talking to someone in person. Clues, such as shifting eyes, can alert us that something isn’t right.
There is vital information you need to know about a person’s character that can only be gleaned over a period of time in face-to-face conversations and interactions. You need time to see the whole person, their weaknesses as well as their strengths.
2. We have relational blind spots that affect our ability to see things as they really are.
Like the visual blind spots we experience when driving a car, we all have relational blind spots that hinder our ability to see ourselves and others as we or they really are.
A blind spot is either something you can’t see at all or something you notice but discount as not being important when in reality it is very significant. One blind spot, for example, is that we often concentrate on a few traits we find attractive in someone—good looks and great job—but we ignore the big picture. Although a person does have a powerful position in his company, he may be extremely controlling and have a history of abusive relationships.
The people in your life, however, can often see what you miss. Therefore be open to what your friends, coworkers or parents tell you. You especially want to seek the advice of people who share your values and have proven trustworthy over time. Do they notice any red flags?
3. We can be driven by fears, which feed feelings of desperation or neediness.
I dated Mr.-Maybe-I-can-make-it-work because I was too afraid I’d never find anyone better. Rather than looking at my fears and understanding how to handle them, I allowed them to dictate my choices. Then I comforted myself with the thought that at least someone was interested in me, even though I knew this person wasn’t God’s best for me.
What fears may be consuming you? Are you stuck in an unhealthy relationship because you’re afraid you’ll never find someone to love you for who you are? Are you afraid you won’t be able to take care of yourself financially? Are you compromising your values or settling for less than God’s best because you don’t want to be alone? Identify and be willing to face those fears so that you aren’t driven by them.
4. We have behaviors that hinder our ability to give and receive love.
I call these behaviors intimacy blockers because they create obstacles in our closest relationships. For example, if you believe that it is important to avoid conflict at all costs, you will tend to placate others to keep the peace. The real you will be masked, and that will negatively impact your ability to connect with others. You will build up a lot of frustration that may grow into bitterness and resentment, and you can’t be who God created you to be.
Maybe your intimacy blocker is that you’re unwilling to hear the truth even when it is spoken in love. Perhaps you give others the silent treatment when angry or you attempt to control everything. An awareness of what’s hindering your relationships, along with the commitment to overcome them, will enable you to deepen your connections with others in meaningful ways.
Yes, there are people who are unhealthy and need to be avoided. But if you are willing to use your head, as well as listen to your heart as you obey the Holy Spirit, you can have those vibrant healthy relationships you really want.
This article was adapted from How NOT to Date a Loser.
