Were you one of those kids who paid attention to which side of Santa’s list you were going to be on each year? Naughty or Nice? I know I did, and according to the song:
He (Santa) see’s you when you’re sleeping.
He knows when you’re awake.
He knows if you’ve been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake.
I’m not sure if that’s intended to inspire kids to be their best selves, or to just guilt them into being good…or else. For a kid though, that motivation works. It’s simple, clear, and direct. If you’re not good you won’t get presents. End of story.
On the Naughty List
There was one year I got coal for Christmas. Not as my only present. I wasn’t that bad, but sitting in the Street Fighter II video game box was a lump of coal instead of the game cartridge. You see, a few days earlier my older sister caught me looking at the presents my mom had not-so-carefully hidden in her room. Unbeknownst to me or anyone else my sister had replaced the game with the charcoal and put it under the tree.
As much as I liked the surprise Christmas morning, I preferred to sneak a peek and act surprised instead. Yet here I was actually surprised staring at a lump of coal. Luckily the rest of my family had not yet noticed, and I tried to hide what was inside of the box. Determined that I wasn’t going to get away with it, my sister asked me to show off my present to everyone. I felt the rush of shame as my face turned beet red and that prickly feeling took over my whole body—they saw me, I was caught red-handed
Am I really that bad?
Growing up I wanted to be seen and yet did not like the shame and guilt that came along with it. When I was sneaking a peek at my presents, I wasn’t paying attention to Santa or any one else’s prohibition to be good. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, and didn’t want to get caught in the process. I was emotionally hungry and yet unaware, looking back though, I was so hungry for presents, hungry for affirmation, and hungry for positive attention.
In my family culture it was not ok to express hungers directly and get your needs met. If I happened to get what I wanted it meant that someone saw me, that someone cared, and that someone wanted me to be happy, but if I had to ask for it that care and concern was somehow invalidated because it didn’t just ‘happen.’ Imagine how tough it was to attempt to get what I wanted relationally, without feeling the permission to ask for it directly! Frustrated and disillusioned, I eventually gave up and assumed that there just wasn’t enough affection or attention available in my family for me.
I learned not to expect much from other people, and came to adopt the mistaken belief that the problem was with me, that I don’t deserve that much and that I don’t deserve to have my hungers met. Though I learned to become self-sufficient and independent, there was a downside, As a result of confusing my assumptions for the truth I concluded that I was bad. I grew accustomed to living with the pain of wanting but not having my relational hungers met.
Outgrowing my past
As I continue to grow, I am learning to respond to my hungers differently. My knee-jerk reaction has been to re-experience the painful unfinished business, and yet with the support of community, I am seeing new possibilities and choices for myself. Instead of living reactively, I can choose to actively create the life I want to live, live so that my hungers are met, and meet others more authentically in relationship.
The more I rewrite my outdated stories, the more authentic I become. This authentic me is not only the person that I want to be and who God has created me to be, but it is also the emotionally available person that the world needs. By challenging my mistaken beliefs I increase my capacity to feel the warmth and safety that comes through authentic relationships. By choosing instead to believe that I am valuable and worth being seen, I take in the nourishment and warmth that truly is all around.
With that said, here are a few questions to consider:
- Which of your old stories are you still holding onto?
- What mistaken beliefs need to be re-though?
- What is keeping you from experiencing more closeness in your relationships?
