What’s most important to you? Is it important to that special someone?”
Several years ago, I invited the man I was seriously dating to have dinner with two of my friends who were visiting from out of town. It was important to me that they met him before I became even more emotionally attached.
One of the women brought along a deck of cards with core values. Someone in her family had used them in a group exercise at work, and she thought it would be fun and helpful. Each card contained a word like beauty, fun, knowledge, or wisdom. The idea was to read through the stack of cards and pick the ten cards that best represent your core values (what’s most important to you.). Then you were to narrow the list down to your five most important core values.
That night my five choices were:
- Faith
- Family
- Integrity
- Excellence
- Beauty
The man I was dating chose:
- Fun
- Food
- Knowledge
- Trust
- Family
I looked at his list. I reviewed my list. Then I had one of those aha! moments. Although we both had family on our top five, I knew that at our ages (over 45), he meant his family (daughter, grandchildren, parents and siblings) and likewise, I meant my son, my mother and aunt. The bigger problem was that the most important value to me (faith) wasn’t even in his top five. This realization led to the demise of our relationship. I learned our values can ultimately make or break our relationships
I’m not suggesting that you use this list to jump to any major conclusions. For me, it just opened my eyes to what I inwardly knew was true but had not admitted to myself. I’m also not saying your list has to be identical to the person you’re dating because it doesn’t. Sometimes it can be enlightening to hear other people’s reasons as to why they chose the values they did. For example, they might have picked food because for them it symbolizes loving interactions with family and friends. However, if you are considering a long-term relationship, which I was, you can’t ignore your differing top core values and pretend it’s not important without considering it further.
I love the phrase that Billy Graham and his wife used to describe their relationship. They were “happily incompatible.” They respected one other’s differences as well as enjoyed their similarities and shared visions. It was the “shared vision” that my friend and I lacked. I had failed to realize this truth when I simply focused on our good chemistry and that he was a Christian.
What’s most important to you? Take the time to identify your own list of core values. It’s helpful to clarify your list before getting into a relationship. You will be less apt to settle for something less than the best because you are clear on what you value. When one single woman compared her core values with the guy she was dating, she told me,
Georgia, I realized the two of us were not only not on the same page, but we weren’t even in the same book.”
Like this single woman came to understand, compatibility doesn’t only refer to the fact that you both are Christians or that you both love to ski and dance. What creates a great relationship is that you both share a vision and your values aren’t in direct conflict.
To determine your compatibility with someone, open the PDF by clicking here.
Read the bolded words along with the questions in each box. Pick your top five (the words that reflect what you value most). Then ask the person you are dating if he or she would be willing to study the questions and pick his or her top five values.
This exercise can lead to some very interesting discussions as you reflect on how another person’s list stacks up against yours. Keep in mind that what is important to you will guide and impact the choices you make every day. If friendship and a commitment to Christ are most important to you, and the person you are dating values wealth, fame, and power, you will face real conflicts in the future.
Our values ultimately make or break our relationships. If you aren’t sure whether your values clash with the one another, be willing to pray about it and seek godly counsel. While breaking up can be very painful short term, in the long term it creates room for the kind of relationship you really want.
