John became very defensive when his wife, Mary, asked him why he didn’t help her around the house more often.
Do I constantly ask you to get a job to help out with our finances?” he raged. Stung by his criticism, she struck back, “Are you saying that taking care of the kids is not working? Because, if that’s how you feel, you can take the kids and I’ll go to work!”
Neither attack, of course, was grounded in what they wanted. Rather, they were both just trying to take a one-up position to defeat the other.
So, why was a firestorm generated by such a simple request? Because, underneath John and Mary felt unappreciated for what they thought was their part in supporting the family. They also tapped into some latent guilt about not doing enough to help each other out. Bottom line, they were questioning each other’s ability to give in a sacrificial way.
But why does such defensiveness arise in the first place? Author John Gottman describes this response as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in marriage—a response which is often predictive of major trouble ahead. In my experience as a psychotherapist, high levels of defensiveness are most frequently traced to low self-esteem—that great enemy of happy, healthy relationships.
If, deep down inside, one or both marriage partners feels that they don’t ever measure up or are somehow worthless, conflicts will arise quickly and often over every perceived slight or questioned activity. They will lash out almost impulsively whenever they interpret their motives to be on trial, regardless of whether that’s true or not. However, this reactive mode usually only elicits a self-fulfilling response from the other. More than a few divorces have resulted from these dynamics.
So, what’s the answer?
You must understand how God sees you and how He wants you to see yourself. Unless you know that, you’ll continue to be constantly threatened by even casual comments or common questions that you readily interpret as put downs. In the book of Isaiah, we are told that God is the Potter and we are the clay; that is, He is the Artist and we are His creative handiwork (Isaiah 64:8). So, how does an artist feel about His work and, especially other people’s evaluations of His work?
A number of years ago, my wife and I travelled to Laguna Beach, California to attend an art festival there. If you have ever been to that lovely city on the coast just south of Los Angeles, you would know that it is a center of artistic expression. We arrived early, well before the festival was scheduled to begin, so we began strolling through the town, visiting the many art shops that populate the downtown section. While my wife lingered in a quilt shop nearby, I wandered into a pottery shop. The pottery I saw there was stunningly beautiful. I thoroughly examined each piece, studying the exquisite designs, shapes and colors fired into the clay.
The potter, who had been busy at his wheel churning out yet another grand work of art, finally got up and came over to me, asking if he could help. I told him that I didn’t have the money to buy one of his masterpieces, which were quite expensive, but that I loved his work. I then took him around the shop and showed him some of my favorite pieces. He then leaned back and said,
Let me give you a glimpse into the soul of the artist.”
Surprised by the offer of such deep insight, I welcomed his explanation.
“Well, you see, we artists in Laguna Beach are a closely knit community,” he continued. “We often gather together to have a beer and debate religion, politics, culture and anything else we might be interested in at the moment. We have many friendly differences but there is one thing we all agree upon and that’s the reason we engage in our artwork.” “And what is that?” I asked. “Well,” he replied, “we do what we do because of the great pleasure we have when someone else experiences pleasure from our handiwork. We gain pleasure when others take pleasure in what we’ve done. So, you, my friend, have made my day!” Not being an artist myself, I thanked him for revealing how an artist gains the greatest satisfaction from his work.
When I left that potter’s shop, I was in a pensive state, thinking about what he had said. Then I suddenly thought of the Isaiah passage. It was like God had tapped me on the shoulder and said,
Son, that potter is right, you know. As an artist, he gets his greatest pleasure when someone enjoys his handiwork…that’s true of me as well. You see, I’m the artist with a capital “A.” In fact, I’m the Potter.”
From that moment, I realized that, by taking pleasure in my strengths—strengths which God designed and created in me—gives Him pleasure…because He’s the Artist.
An antidote for low self-esteem
In keeping with the potter’s analogy, then, I would suggest that you each write down all of your strengths (both talents or skills and beneficial character traits) and ask others, such as your mate and, perhaps, a good friend or two to likewise jot down what strengths they see in you. After creating a composite list of all your strengths, take out that list at least three times per day, pick out one of the strengths and imagine yourself using it in some situation—possibly a situation in which you have just recently exercised it. Allow yourself to fully enjoy that moment, after which pray a brief prayer along these lines:
Thank you, God, for giving me this strength. I’m so glad I have it and I know that my taking pleasure in it gives you pleasure because you’re the Artist.”
This is not an exercise in narcissism, as some might be tempted to think, but rather a moment of worship because it is giving pleasure back to God. It isn’t praising self, but rather it’s giving praise to God. However, in the course of doing this, you come to have a greater appreciation of who you are, that is, who God created you to be. That in turn serves as an antidote to the low self-regard that would otherwise get in the way of responding appropriately to your marriage partner.
Remember, if you struggle with how you see yourself, you will likely end up becoming defensive about the indefensible. And a marriage built on that liability is far too vulnerable to failure.
