Last month I finally watched all three movies in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Have you seen them? I hadn’t read all the books so I was on the edge of my seat as to how the journey would unfold. One of the story threads that touched me the most was Frodo’s relationship with Gollum. Gollum used to be a happy, healthy Hobbit until he became obsessed with possessing the evil gold ring. His obsession caused him to turn into a sickly and mentally ill, solitary creature. There was a good part of him and an evil part and these “two” beings would talk back and forth to each other.
Frodo began to see a glimpse of the good left in Gollum after he saved Frodo’s life. Frodo then gave Gollum dignity by calling him by his real name, Smeagol. Gollum’s face filled with hope when he remembered who he used to be. He began to strengthen and told the critical voices in his head to leave and never come back. Gollum started to call himself by his real name and began to change into a happier being. Unfortunately, in the end, Gollum decided to let the negative commentary back in but the exchange between Frodo and Gollum reminds me that in every relationship―and especially with our significant other―we have a choice to either criticize or to call out the gold in them.
Calling out the gold
God has a plan and purpose for every human being, a plan for good. Jesus thought we were worth dying for. Even though we have flaws that still need working through, God can genuinely encourage us on our life journey because He sees a person full of gold, full of potential. He sees the person we will be in the end. Yet many times we get derailed when others criticize us and speak negative words into our lives. We often do it to ourselves or to our spouse. The writer of Proverbs reminds us the weighty truth about what we speak:
Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose.” Proverbs 18:21
During a sermon, my pastor mentioned that his wife never belittles him or points out his faults. This would serve no purpose because he already knows exactly what they are and being nagged about his shortcomings would only bring him down. Instead his wife encourages his good qualities and calls out the good in him; the gold! This spurs him forward to be the man God created him to be and gives him strength to overcome his faults. Her life-giving, fruit-bearing words propel him forward in his destiny.
Perhaps you grew up in a negative setting where you were continually criticized and now it’s easy for you to see the faults in others. Even if that is the case, we can make a decision to start speaking the truth as God sees it―the good that He means for our spouse. That doesn’t mean that we never bring up a legitimate negative issue and work through it. There are times to have healthy conversations, full of love and grace, about issues that bother us but that is different than nagging, criticizing and belittling. Those things only tear a person down and can make them into a shadow of who God created them to be.
Where do we begin?
If you realize that you have been focusing on the negative in your mate, make a decision to repent. The Greek word for repent means “to think differently” or “a transformative change of heart.” Maybe you need to ask your spouse to forgive you and then be intentional about moving forward with a new behavior of speaking life-giving words to your spouse. Start focusing on the good in them.
You could make a goal to start telling your spouse three things everyday that you love about them. Or take time to write five things you love about your significant other each day. A friend of mine has been doing this and it has transformed the way she views her husband. Make an effort to praise your spouse in public and in front of your children. Pray for those shortcomings that you see in your spouse but speak words of encouragement and life to them. Focusing on the positive makes a person feel buoyed by love and helps them to walk into their destiny.
Remember, your words are poison or fruit. You decide.
